Growing Around Grief

A personal reflection on childhood bereavement...

A poignant reflection on my dad today, what with it being the anniversary of his death, Children's Grief Awareness Week, and after gratefully receiving some precious 'rare-edition' photos of him from the Greek Cypriot side of the family 🧡 With my brother now publicly opening up about his childhood experiences, I've realised I can no longer keep this part of my life hidden and locked away in a 'top secret' box in my heart. So here I am, attempting to reclaim some control over my own narrative of our dad - wish me luck!

For many years, I didn't/couldn't talk about our dad, our family story, or the circumstances of his death when I was just 14. There are countless complex reasons for that, which I save for the deep meanderings of my mind (and therapy 😜!)... But after many years (and a lot of therapy!), I'm finally able to smile looking back at photos of him, and allow myself to fully experience the pain of this loss, without feeling as overwhelmed by:

• Confusion and shame about our family history, and grief and love for my dad.

• Guilt over my brother's very different experience of him, and for not being able to help my dad (or my brother for that matter too).

• The sense of abandonment that our dad wasn't able to help himself, for us.

• Regret for lost opportunities and unanswered questions.

• The longing for the future experiences we'll never have.

• The need to hide my grief and love out of concern for other family members' feelings towards him (for fear of hurting them, but ignoring myself and neglecting my needs in the process), especially as navigating having a 'father' (step-dad), as well as our 'dad'.

• And the fear of opening the aching black hole in my heart left by losing a parent so suddenly, in childhood, and without a chance to say goodbye.

  
  

Only now, with greater understanding of these uniquely complex feelings and experiences, can I finally accept that our dad is not in fact part of some Elvis-Presley-faking-his-own-death-conspiracy-theory fantasy (one can only dream eh!).

So today, I want to celebrate a few treasured photos of the hugely troubled and complex, but charismatic, cheeky, honest, generous, hilarious, exciting, young-at-heart, "flew-through-life-by-the-seat-of-his-pants" (and cars!) kind of character that was our dad. His loss has taught me to live fully, make the most of opportunities, take risks, keep perspective, not sweat the small things, cherish friends and family, show compassion to those struggling, and above all, embrace gratitude for life itself - because life is short and can change in an instant (nothing like death to trigger an existential crisis eh 😂 but at least it's taught me a sense of humour, albeit a dark one..!).

Through all of this, I've realised that my family experiences are in fact my superpower, as I can use them to help others through my work, and for that I am endlessly grateful. Dad - I only wish you could see how I've grown (post the dreaded teenage years at least 😂) - I hope I would have made you proud 💕

Whilst I have been struggling with my brother sharing our family history publicly, I keep reminding myself: "Don't be ashamed of your story - it can inspire others", because "there is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you" and “if you don’t write your own script, someone else will write it for you.” It doesn't matter how others remember my dad - what matters is how I remember him and what he meant to me.

And finally, a little cheesy wisdom for the journey (because I love quotes almost as much as my over-use of brackets/sharing my running commentary!) - "the weight of loss may never go away, but we learn how to carry it" and "you can't stop the waves, but you can learn how to surf." 🌊🖤

Coldplay - Daddy (Official Video) 💖✨

For support and signposting around childhood bereavement, please see my handout on this topic in the GPS shop.

#bereavement #grief #childhoodbereavement #childhoodgriefawarenessweek #fathersday #blogging #writingtherapy #love #loss #hope #healing